Nagasaki Handshake

Eagles / 49ers recap

2009-12-21T11:32:00.000-08:00

The game went a little something like this

FUCK YOU SHAUN SUISHAM

2009-12-06T13:16:00.001-08:00

FUCKINGFUCKERFUCKFACE.

Go Skins

2009-12-06T11:18:00.000-08:00

It would be fan-fucking-tastic if the Skins could pull out a win here. Currently up 17-10 and the offense is clicking.

Even if we don't end up winning, I think the young receivers have made some strides in the last few games. Fred Davis is a goddamn manimal. He looks great after the catch and he seems to have figured out how to catch the ball. Might be time to deal Cooley for some draft picks.

Devin Thomas is also looking better. Of course, when you're a horrific bust, you've got nowhere to go but up.

**12:17 PDT UPDATE**

DEVIN THOMAS IS A FUTURE HALL OF FAMER. And the Skins might just win this fucking game. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

**12:40 UPDATE**

The Skins are driving me to drink. Up by 10, 13 minutes left. Only I spent all day yesterday drinking liquor and beer. So I decided to have a glass of Chateau St. Michelle's chardonnay. Oh yeah.

Week, Uh, Thirteen?

2009-12-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

"Never trust a big butt and a smile."

"Freakin' brothers every way like M.J."

"Shorty wanna see the ice, so I ice the wrist."

Those are lyrics from the first three songs I heard this morning on Movin' 92.5. Goddamn that radio station is fantastic. Pretty much an ideal way to start the day. Can you name all three songs?

This post is going to be extremely short, as today is the day when Irish and American cultures collide in the annual 12 Pubs of Christmas. 12 Pubs is like a pub crawl, only without all the organization and douchiness. We just go to 12 different pubs and have one drink at each pub. At least until Pub 10, when we all realize that we're remarkably sober for drinking all day and why don't we just take a shot? We'll make sure to toast all our peoples on the other coast and all the way across the pond. Slainte, fuckers.

Birds (-5) v. Falcons

Manny's Pale Ale.

Bucs (+5) v. Panthers

Moose Drool Brown Ale.

Lambs (+9) v. Chicago

Fuck Henieken. PABST BLUE RIBBON.

Det (+13) v. Cinci

Guinness.

Tenn (+8) v. Indy

Elysian Perseus Porter.

Jax (pick) v. Houston

Pike Place Kilt Lifter.

KC (+5) v. Broncos

Anchor Steam.

Oak (+14.5) v. Pitt

Yuengling Lager.

N'awlins (-9.5) v. Skins

Rainier (Vitamin R).

New England (-4.5) v. Miami

Magic Hat No. 9.

SD (-13) v. Browns

Big Time's Trombipulator.

Dallas (-2) v. NYG

Mac & Jack Amber.

Frisco (-1) v. Seacocks

Pyramid's Curve Ball.

Minny (-3.5) v. Cards

Herkimer's Dortmunder

Baltimore (+3) v. Packers

Hale's Cream Ale.

Welcome Back Bubba Chuck

2009-12-03T19:59:00.000-08:00

We missed you.

Tursday Night Footbarr Prease

2009-12-03T14:39:00.000-08:00

Buggalo (+3) v. J-E-T-S JETSJETSJETS

Really? It's almost like the NFL Network is trying to schedule shitty games so we all have to find something else to do. God knows my Tursdays have been lonely since Friends went off the air. I MISS YOU SO MUCH, ROSS! WE ARE TWO PEAS IN A POD!

I am no longer counting how much I'm up or down. I'm just going to assume I finish the year up.

What have we learned - Week 12

2009-12-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

Herrrro there

Another week, but holy shit a lot of hit the fan this week. First, the Tiger thing. I had that thing called from day one. There is no good reason to be hauling ass down your driveway at 2 in the morning, especially the day after the Enquirer has a whole story on your road beef. Now it looks like Tiger has a little thing for hoe's in nightclubs. Jenks put the over under at skanks that come forward at 4. I am taking the over in a BIG way. I'd guess that there is gonna be 6.

Next up, AI is back in Philly. In fact, he's probably going to move into his old house. Good to have you back bubba chuck.

Onto the games... there was really only one that was any good this week. Monday night the Saints laid the smackDOWN on the Pats. I gotta say that I enjoyed every minute of it.

We learned that Brees deserves to be mentioned with Brady and Manning now, and the Pats secondary looked like garbage.

We learned that the Eagles don't know how to beat down an inferior team (cough cough Skins). I damn near drove my car off the road when they started the game with a fuckin onsides kick. If they lost that game, I would definitely be mailing Andy Reid a turd sandwich. And the score that the Skins ended up with after STARTING ON THE 20, ended up being the difference with the Birds NOT COVERING. Which means I lost my ONLY bet this year. And now I gotta pay for Jenk's next bar tab. FML. That kid has a iron liver and a little self control. I know that summabitch is gonna abuse this one. I am sending a bill to Andy Reid, blaming that fat walrus.

Fuck, I was in a good mood until I wrote that last paragraph

Week Twelve

2009-11-25T22:20:00.001-08:00

If me and my job decided that maybe my job wasn't so great. And maybe I didn't want to work for them and they didn't want me on the payroll, either. And so we both went our own separate ways. And then I looked for another, similar position. And looked. And looked.

If I came up to you after that shit had gone down and told you I "retired," would you believe me? Didn't think so. Sorry, Bubba Chuck. We still got love for you.

**Disclaimre - I've had 4 whiskey & cokes, 2 Guinness, and various other household intoxicants (Lysol, Dust-Off, etc.). Just enough to make me repetitive and unfunny. Solly, cholly.

GB (-12) v. Det.

It's a shame Matt Stafford isn't playing. Last week, he replaced Brett Favre as America's gutsiest quarterback (white). I won't be able to watch this game because we're playing our annual turkey football game. Like a bunch of retards chasing a wet lemur. Pray for me that my hamstring doesn't rip out of my leg and wrap itself around me jugular.

Oak (+14) v. Dallas

Dallas has scored a total of 14 points in their last two games and they're a 14 point favorite? Donde esta la bibliotheque?

Giants (-6) v. Denver

I think I've lost on Giants' games 8 out of 9 weeks. So you should bet your life savings on the Denver moneyline. Denver looks fucking terrible these days. Yeah, NecKbeaRd is back in the mix but he's gimpy as fuck. Like a midget.

Bucs (+12) v. Falcons

The Josh Freeman era is upon us. (Lord have mercy). If the Bucs can hang with the Pack and the Fins, they can roll with the Falc. (Christ have mercy). The Josh Freeman era is upon us. (Christ have mercy).

Miami (-3) v. Buggalo

Turkey is fucking delicious. I bet dolphin is, too.

(Guiness number 3 and a shot of Jaeger. Can you hear the wheels coming off?)

Cle (+14) v. Cinci

Ocho Cinco is the greatest sports personality ever. Any of you donks who aren't following him on twitter are retarded. Yeah. I know. Twitter is fucking retarded and 90% of the shit people twat or tweet or whatever is the most mundane shit that makes you embarrassed for knowing such a dickfuck. But Ocho Cinco's twitter feed is fucking phenomenal.

Indy (-4.5) v. Houston

What the fuck is up with Houston's running game? Is Stevie Slaton good or not? He's got an amazing knack for kinda sucking when he plays well and looking decent when his numbers suck. Good thing I've got him on one of my fantasy squads.

Carolina (+3) v. J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets

Both teams are mediocre. Both have shaky quarterbacks. On the menu for tomorrow is turkey, mashed and baked potatoes, stuffing, mac y cheese, and all other types of ill shit. Gluttony 4 lyfe.

Philly (-9) v. Skins

DeSean Jackson - 9 catches, 163 yards receiving, 100+ return yards, 2 TDs. Good thing we passed on him for Fred Davis.

Seacocks (-3) v. Lambs

I like Gordon Ramsey. Americans are all a bunch of bitches who can't handle bitter sarcasm draped in disdain. But that shit is like unagi; even if you don't like sushi, you have to admit that that one specific dish is pretty fucking good. Is it ever grammatically correct to type "that that?" I can't imagine it is. Fucking retarded me.

SD (-14) v. KC

True Life: Polyamorous. The fuck does that even mean? As far as I can figure, if someone describes him/herself as "polyamorous," they don't not like to fuck. Get on with getting on.

Jax (+3) v. Frisco

Jax looked terrible last week, so it's a lock they look great this week. That's how a merry-go-round works, which is why I'm putting $150 on this one.

Minny (-11) v. Bears

Apparently, all Jay Mariotti wants to do is be a creepy douchebag and hit on young women. The Bears suck.

Ten (-3) v. Cards

The Titans are going to the playoffs.

Charm City (-2) v. Pittstown

I can barely feel my fingers.

Pats (-2) v. Saints

More on this on this to come. Deserves its own post.

You're Doing It Wrong

2009-11-24T14:20:00.001-08:00

Suck it, dickbag. Your hero says you're wrong.

Hozzleshank:

Okay Drew, I'm nearly 34 and I think I have been wiping my ass wrong all these years. I lift my ballsack with one hand and use the bunched paper with my other (bunched, never folded, right?). But I have a sneaky suspicion that I should be leaning forward and wiping from behind.

I lean forward. You're supposed to wipe front to back to avoid getting poop on your genitals. Really more important for women to do. I also bunch my toilet paper. I used to try folding to prevent waste, but I find my fingers often puncture the paper mid-wipe. We call that the Mudfinger Surprise.

What Have We Learned? Week Eleven

2009-11-24T13:24:00.000-08:00

Hello, Friends.

I know many of you (especially ol Jenks) have been missing my witty, incisive banter that was customarily posted on this site week after week. Its been a busy time in the old BtF camp, but that is no excuse. I'll be on this site like a fat kid on cake.

So what did we learn last week?

I learned that I can't get back the hours of my life I spent watching the abortion that was the Redskins/Cowboys game. You just KNEW that the Skins would end up losing that, especially once their kicker started shanking it left and right, and Romo and the Boys only needed a TD FTW. Poor DC fans, they deserve better.

I learned that the Colts have got some serious mojo working right now, and Dallas Clark's right hand is more or less the size of a pizza.

We learned that Belichik would still go for it on 4th & 2, and that now he's got coaches all over New England fucking up (Yale).

We learned that both the Bears and Eagles are mediocre teams that won't do ANYTHING if they make it into the playoffs.

We learned that if you take two shitty teams (Browns and Lions) and fight em against each other, then they will put on a good show. This is the same reason that midget wrestlin is such a great idea.

And finally, kids, a word of warning. Don't EVER mix shellfish and creamy desserts. Because if you fail to heed my advice here, and just happen to drive home from a dinner after eating some crab cakes, a nice glass of Malbec and the molten chocolate souffle, and JUST happen to be stuck in bumper to bumper traffic with no way of getting off the road and having cops and tow trucks zooming down the shoulder, you JUUUUUST might shit your pants in your car. Which is the double dirty deuce. And I am not saying this happened to me, but lets just say that I got waaaay too close for comfort, and that my lower intestinal tract is still sore from the clenching.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Week Eleven

2009-11-21T16:29:00.001-08:00

Apparently, we didn't learn anything last week. Or maybe BacktoFront is just so fucking educated that he's got nothing left to learn? Or maybe he's taking a page from the book of Jenks and isn't paying this site the respect it is due? Whatever. Fuck him. Lazy fuck.

If you count my bet for eleventy kajillion dollars, i'm way the fuck up. But, in reality, I completely shit the bed last week, losing $250. That means I'm only up $200 on the season. At least I'm up.

Mia v. Panthers

Obviously, I shit the bed on this. I have no idea what the line is but I would have bet a bitchload on Miami. The Panthers are godawful. I don't care if they can run the ball for 200+ yards every game. They still fucking suck.

Indy (-1.5) v. Charm City

The Ravens have shown flashes of brilliance but, overall, you'd have to say that they've been a little bit of a disappointment this season. Indy hasn't been playing particularly well and have pulled out squeakers the last few week, and they will definitely lose a game. Just not this one. The Ravens' secondary has been suspect as fuck this entire season and Indy's passing game is Indy's passing game, and yet...a pick-em from Vegas? Clearly I am missing something. I fully expect to lose this game.

Cowgirls (-11) v. Skins

Skins fans are fucking retarded. They win one game (because Chris Simms started the second half) and suddenly people in Washington think they can pull this game out. There's some unjustified belief that Levi Jones can stop Demarcus Ware. That makes a fuckload of sense. I podcast The Sports Junkies, a wacky sports radio program with four dudes. This entire week, nobody who called in to their show put any emphasis on the fact that Chris Simms played the second half. All anyone talks about is how much better the offense played and nobody mentions how fucking terrible the defense was. Brandon Marshall had 5 catches for 134 yards and 2 TDs by halftime. One TD was for 40 yards, the other was for 75. Chris Simms had 13 yards passing for the entire second half. Yeah. The Skins looked fucking great.

Det (-3.5) v. Cleveland

My wife's favorite show is called X Factor. It's a British American Idol-ish show that features Simon Cowell on its panel of judges. This show makes her way happier than I ever could. And it's fucking retarded. For example, these two Irish kids have made it this far and I think we're at least halfway into the season. This is the programming I have to look forward to, if'n I move to Dublin. Kill me.

Packers (-6.5) v. 49ers

Are the Packers good?

Jax (-8.5) v. Buffalo

I almost went the other way on this one. The Jaguars are another one of those teams that is wildly inconsistent (along with the Cardinals, Ravens, and every team in the NFC East) and this feels like a game that Jacksonville overlooks and gets burned by. But the Bills are fucking terrible.

Steelers (-10) v. Chefs

Mike Tomlin's sunglasses are the greatest thing to happen to an NFL sideline since Lindsay Czarniak. You like that obscure Centreville High School Class of 1996 reference? Huh? Do you?

Minny (-11) v. Seacocks

I have a bet with a buddy of mine on whether the Seacocks or the Redskins will finish with a better record. I'm about 65% sure I lose that bet but that's only because the Seacocks' schedule is easier. I'm currently debating whether to start Ladell Betts, Sidney Rice, Housh, or Roy Williams in my flex position. The problem with Sidney is that Minny is going to go up by 20 in the first half and I think they just feed Purple Jesus the whole time. Because they're up so big, they won't throw in the second half. Conversely, Housh should put up big numbers because the Seacocks will be playing from behind the whole time. So, Rice should definitely ride the bench. Right?

Atlanta (+7) v. Giants

I've been wrong singing the praises of the G-men. They have looked fucking terrible at times. They might end up blowing out the Falcons but they might not. We shall see. By the way, it is 9.36 in the a.m. right now. Didn't finish this post last night because the wife and I had reservations to eat delicious food. Apologies for any incoherence.

San Diego (-4) v. Denver

Chris Simms is starting. If last week was any measure, he should have 26 yards passing. Not good.

Pats (-7.5) v. Jets

One thing that hasn't been discussed about Belichick's fourth down call is how unsurprising it was. Right or wrong, Belichick has had his fuck you mentality his entire tenure at New England. The only difference now (and the reason for the Monday morning quarterbacking) is that the Pats aren't as dominant as they were two years ago. If Belichick had a do over, I'd bet that he'd run the same play.

Philly (-2.5) v. Chicago

I knew Philly was going to get worked last week and I bet on them anyways. Because degeneracy + booze + east coast bias = terrible decision making.

Ten (+4) v. Houston

I'm sure ESPN is fired up for this Monday nighter.

Week Ten

2009-11-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

Jay Cutler sucks. Big time. He's made me realize how much a coach matters to a QB. Jay Cutler's got a ridiculous arm but he has completely mailed in this season. Dude looks lost at times. At least he still has booze.

There are zippy good college football games on right now. Currently, I'm watching Georgia Tech play Duke. And this game is for the goddamn lead in the ACC. Let me repeat that (with emphasis) - GEORGIA TECH IS PLAYING FUCKING DUKE FOR THE LEAD IN THE ACC. God help us.

Up $450 on the year thus far.

Atlanta (-1) v. Carolina

Is Atlanta good? They looked good last week, but everyone looks good against the Skins. Their offense does seem like it's coming together, though. It's just a shame that their defense sucks ass. Those bitches give up 370 yards a game. Jonathan Stewart is going to go apeshit on this defense. Still...Delhomme is terrible and will definitely cock this game up.

Fins (-10) v. Bucs

Jesus. The Fins laying 10 against anyone is a little bit of a show. But Vegas likes jacking lines this year and favors love covering. Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams should put up retarded numbers, though. The Bucs are how-you-say not very good at playing the defense.

Minny (-15.5) v. Det

I waffled on this one. Everyone and their mother is picking the Vikes, which is never a good sign. And I kinda think this could be a trap game for Minny. But even so, they will destroy the Lions. Their remaining games are Seacocks, Bears, Cardinals, Bengals, Panthers, Bears, Giants. That's only 3 games against teams with winning records and one of them (the Cards) aren't even that good. Minny is going to finish 13-3 at worst.

Jax (+7) v. NYJ - for Eleventy kajillion dollars

This line is absurd. The Jets aren't very good and Sanchize has reverted back to his mediocre self. Jacksonville is kinda like the Cardinals. They're wildly inconsistent but, when they're on, they are pretty fucking good. The Jets are going to miss Gholston. Since I really can't afford to lose eleventy kajillion dollars, I'll bet $150 on this one.

Cinci (+7) v. Pittsburgh

I know Pitt is looking really fucking good but Pennsylvania is a fucking terrible state. That Altoona, PA accent makes me want to cut my ears off my head, saute them in garlic and butter, and eat them with toast. Don't sleep on Cinci, Rickys. Everyone talks about Pitt being great, but Cinci's also 6-2 and tied for the division lead. And they haven't lost a division game yet. Ocho Cinco is one of the greatest human beings on the planet. Respekt.

N'awlins (-14) v. Lambs

Poor Steven Jackson. It's ridiculous that he's able to put up silly numbers - 748 yards and the 3rd highest rushing total - on a team that is absurdly bad. We feel for you. But your team is going to get raped this week. Shit is going to get very, very ugly.

Buffalo (+7) v. Titans

I have no idea what my friends did last night before I met up with them at about 10.30 but they were all fucking shitfaced at that point. Granted, your boy was also hammered (6 whisky & cokes, about 4 beers, a shot) but no chance I was as fucked up as them. Bunch of savages in this town.

Denver (-4.5) v. Washington

The Skins only hope is Ladell Betts, which means this game might be close. But Denver is going to destroy the Skins. Denver might not be as good as their record suggests but they are at least 3 times better than the Skins. Fun fact of the day - the Skins have the NUMBER ONE passing defense. I know that's mostly because they get down by so much so early, so their opponents can run the ball but I'll take it anyways. Suck it. I'll put $100 on this one.

Oak (-1) v. KC

Duke's only down by 4 to Georgia Tech in the second quarter. Of football. Oakland-KC is the Georgia Tech-Duke of the NFL week. I don't know who that last sentence disrespects more.

Seacocks (+9.5) v. Cardinals

My hatred for the Seacocks is only surpassed by a few things. One of those things is that non-HOF whitey, Kurt Warner. I mean, there's no way Seattle gets throttled by a division opponent twice in the same season, right? Right? They lost by 24 and it wasn't that close. It was 17-0 by the beginning of the second quarter and the game was pretty much over by then. Fly, seacocks. Fly.

San Diego (-3) v. Philly

WHAT THE FUCK WAS ANDY REID DOING KICKING THAT GODDAMN FIELD GOAL LAST WEEK? Really? 4 minutes left and you're down by 7 and the spread is 3 and you kick a goddamn 50 yard field goal? That shit cost me a fucking bar tab, shitbag. And I hate losing to Bex. Fuck you, Andy Reid. This game will represent the second time in as many weeks where Norv Turner beats an NFC East team in the last few minutes.

Dallas (-3) v. Packers

DeMarcus Ware might kill Aaron Rodgers this week. Literally. The Packers line is so, so bad and Dallas's defensive line is not. Can you believe that Rodgers's QB rating right now is 103? That's absurd.

Pats (+2.5) v. Indy

The Colts are the better team but this game means a lot more to the Pats. They started off terrible and have steadily been clawing their way to mid-season form. Belichick is going to pull out all the stops in this one. Peyton is not. It's role reversal from about 3-4 years ago, when these games were unbelievably important for the Colts. I can't fucking wait to watch this game.

Ravens (-12) v. Browns

I really, really have to take a shit. And I refuse to post from the toilet. Later, bitches.

Forte v. Gore

2009-11-12T08:24:00.000-08:00

[Jenk's Note - This rest of the picks will be updated either later tonight or tomorrow for all the weekend games. Just didn't want to cock up another week by missing Thursday night.]

God bless having NFL games three days a week.

Chi (+3) v. SF

Matt Forte is having a sophomore slump like a motherfucker. There's no chance any reasonable person would deal a top 5 QB for his sorry ass (in fantasy). Goddamn the Bears were overrated. Now, everyone knows they suck. Both of these teams are wildly inconsistent. There's no chance I'd bet real money on this game.

PS - Mike Singletary is a raving lunatic.

Sorry For Being (Fat and) Lazy

2009-11-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

I really have no excuse for not making picks this week. Sure, I could blame it on my job. It is difficult being the only one associated with this site who has a real job. The rest are "academics," which basically means that you work 25 hours a week on whatever schedule you see fit and go to the occasional conference, where it seems like these purported braniacs just sit around and get hammered.

I could also blame my general malaise for all things football right now. There just aren't any captivating stories. Peyton's Colts have been great for the last seven years so their undefeatedness isn't captivating. Brees's Saints have displayed a remarkable ability to play to the level of their opponents in the last few weeks. The Pats are in mid-season form and will most likely peak in December, per the usual. And fantasy football's luster has dulled to a musty hue. I know it's been discussed ad nauseum by a bunch of sports writers but fantasy kinda sucks. I don't really get a thrill from winning but it fucking pains me to lose (especially to Bex). It's just not that great any more. I'm hoping an increased jackpot next year will reinvigorate me but, for now.....The fuck am I supposed to be excited about?

Anyways. This is me not bitching any more and getting my shit together for the second half of the season.

Go...Ravens?

Could it happen??

2009-11-09T10:13:00.001-08:00

ohhhhhhhhhhhh boy... Looks like LJ might be headed to the Skins.

via Drew's twitter

Where be the picks??

2009-11-08T15:17:00.000-08:00

Seems Jenkem is out to lunch... so here are you late picks each for 200 dollars

Eagles (-3) vs. Dallas
Dallas sucks! And I am a homer.

Denver (+3) vs. Pittsburgh
I feel like the Steelers might lay an egg here.

Sorry....look for Jenkem's full apology later. And go buy a dick towel.

What have we learned - Week 8

2009-11-06T13:21:00.000-08:00

Why-a you so happy Hine Waald?? Is it time for another le-cap from rast week? Time for BtF to be raaaaazy agrain.

What did we learn? Well I was travelin, so I don't have a whole lot to report. Looks like Jenkem took a BEATING this week... down 200 on the week for 500 on the season. Plus undisclosed losses at the casino.

In other news, the F'in New York Yankees beat my Phillies. I am still not over it, and I'd be irate if they didn't win last year, but it still stings. And my favorite redneck, Brett Myers, is leaving. But if we get Halladay, I'd forget about that fool in a heartbeat.

Birds looked good. Giants looked terrible. Apparently Vince Young is still alive, and the Saints got that look. Oh, and some old dude played against his old team.

Now smirrrrrrre away folks...its time for the weekend!

Johnny Damon is GD idiot

2009-11-03T20:18:00.000-08:00

Go PHILS

Week Eight

2009-10-30T13:17:00.001-07:00

Through seven weeks of the season, I am up $700. That's $100 a week. Hopefully, my good luck will carry over to the Tulalip Casino tonight. Come on 21.

Bye (-6.5) v. Skins

The Skins will figure out a way to fuck up their bye week. Fo sho.

Den (+3.5) v. Charm City

This Ravens team is kinda difficult to figure out. They've looked pretty good in almost every game but they always cock it up down the stretch. This game will definitely be close, so I'm laying the points.

Hou (-3.5) v. Buggalo

Houston is kinda decent and Buffalo really sucks. So what's up with the spread? It's ridiculous that this line would probably be higher if Edwards was playing. It's bad when a quarterback named Fitzgerald is your savior. In other news, I just picked up T.O. off the waiver wire in the league that BtF runs (which is the shittiest league ever - no flex and only 3 bench spots).

Chi (-14) v. Browns

I don't think the Bears can beat anybody by 14. But the home favors have been covering like a motherfucker all season.

Seacocks (+11) v. Dallas

DeMarcus Ware could have 10 sacks in this game but I still don't think that Dallas is two TDs better than the Seacocks. In other Seattle news, the fucking Sounders blew it last night. They controlled the whole game and had a bunch of great opportunities. At least Bex now likes soccer. What a gayboy.

Lambs (+9.5) v. Detroit

I think the Lambs win this game. Our local TV weatherman will be thrilled. For reals.

Indy (-12.5) v. Frisco

Peyton is going to be your MVP. If he wins another title this year, will he retire? And if he retires, is he going into coaching? What does he have left to prove if he wins another title?

Miami (+4) v. Jets

Didn't Miami and the Jets just play? Am I tripping?

Giants (+3) v. Philly - FOR $100

What the fuck is this line about? How the fuck does Philly open favored? Did Vegas watch the Skins-Birds game last week? I know, I know - the Giants have dropped 2 straight and they lost to the wildly inconsistent Cards last week. But I still think the Giants are good and we'll be seeing them in the postseason in January. This game falls on the shoulders of Lesean McCoy. If he goes nuts, Philly might win. But I like this game. A lot.

Jax (+3) v. Ten

People disrespect the Jaguars. They have talent at the skill positions and their defense isn't terrible. No respect at all. For shame.

San Diego (-17.5) v. Oakland

The Skins play Oakland in about 8 weeks. They will lose. San Diego, on the other hand, will prevail. If they were smart, they'd put Tomlinson down like he was a lame horse. It's a shame that aging running backs are the last to realize that their ship has sailed.

Minny (+3) v. GB

Favre is a gunslinger and he's just having fun. I know. The Minny D will shut Grant down and Rodgers will have to throw the ball 50 times for the Pack to win. I don' t think he can win this game on his own.

Panthers (+10) v. Cards

Trap game. Let down game. Let mediocrity reign supreme.

N'awlins (-10) v. Atlanta

The Saints are very, very good.

Cliff Lee is Good (and other breaking news)

2009-10-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

Since BacktoFront is a lazy piece of shit who told his boss he is hiking the Adirondack Trail, while he really heads south to Chile to meet up with his mistress, I tallied my own results. That last sentence is the longest, most poorly executed attempt at a joke ever. I should know better than to craft this drivel in the morning. Anyways.

In week 6, I got killed. I won 5 games (including a bet for $100) and lost 9. Total loss was $150. Week 7 - won 6, lost 6, pushed 1. Finished even. Suck it, dicks. Current total = +$700.

Two things from last week - first, the Skins still suck. We know that. Nothing that they didn't do on Monday night was a surprise. But the Birds also kinda suck. McNabb looked terrible and if it wasn't for Desean Jackson (who the Skins passed on, taking instead wunderkid Devin Thomas), they would be a poor team. Fortunately for them, they have Desean Jackson. But I think they're going to be hard pressed to make the playoffs.

The Skins are going to be hard pressed to win 4 games. They have (statistically speaking) the hardest remaining schedule of any team. Oh good.

Second, FUCK CHAD HENNE AND HIS FUCKING TERRIBLE-ASS THROW. Why the fuck does he make that throw? Either have the arm strength to get the ball out of bounds or take the sack. You would have lost by 6. All would have been right in the world. But no. Fucking fuck.

Cliff Lee is absurd. Seriously. It's not enough to throw a 10 SO game? He's got to make two absurdly-ridiculous-but-I'm-going-to-pretend-it-ain't-no-thing catches? He definitely went home and sacrificed a virgin after Game 1. Dude is evil. Go Phils.

Go Sounders. You are my only hope.

What have we learned - Week 7

2009-10-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

Satiated after my airline dinner of steak and wine (hahahaa I fly first class bitches) I am ready to recap a wonderful week of marginally interesting matchups.

We learned that the Redskins and Eagles can combine for the most boring half of football ever played. I swear nothing happened in that second half. I am beginning to worry about the Birds, since it seems like they are playing to the level of their opponent, which is never good. And this whole Vick thing is just a practice in frustration. We don't have a decent wildcat offense, and he is never a threat to run the ball. I'd rather see Westbrook run it, but now he's concussed so who knows.

We also learned that Brian Westbrook has a brother on the Redskins named Byron. And they even look a like (and no, I don't mean it like that. racist bastards).

We learned that Purple Jesus can knock the shit out of the Gays. That hit was ferocious.

We learned that Elisha and Favre are like the leaves. They begin to show their true colors right around the start of November.

We learned that the Dolphins can find new and exciting ways to choke away a game. I turned that off when they were up 24-3, and blammo, Brees and co. came all the way back. Impressive.

And since I don't have Jenkem's picks lined up in front of me, I am gonna say that he got killed this week and is probably up about 700 on the year. We'll let him respond to that one. After watching the game with some fellow Eagles fans last night, I've been wondering about how far I would go for World Series tickets. I think I am somewhere between this woman and paying through the nose. But there was definitely a spirited discussion involving an over-the-pants handy to Brian Dawkins. That one I'd have to think about...

My favorite Korean

2009-10-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry to my asian brother from another mother, but Chan Ho has been a MONSTER comin out of the pen. Here's a video of him doing his champagne poppin best after the Phils won the NLCS. I'll have my full take on the WS later, but I think you know who I am rooting for.

Link from thefightins.com

BOOOSH!

2009-10-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

Week Seven (laziest picks ever)

2009-10-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

I am lazy. And hungover. So away we go.

SF (+3) v. Hou

Don't write off those Niners yet, foolios.

San Diego (-4.5) v. Chefs

All the Single Ladies is a fucking jam. And if you think otherwise, you suck at music.

Indy (-14) v. Lambs

This spread could be 28 and I'd pick the Colts.

New England (-15) v. Tampa

The English are coming. The English are coming.

Minny (-3.5) v. Pitt

Jon La Joie is funny.

Green Bay (-7.5) v. Cleveland

Cleveland is garbage.

Buggalo (+7.5) v. Carolina

Carolina is garbage.

Oak (+7.5) v. NYJ

I just told the wife that I would leave her for Natalie Portman. "And I wouldn't even look back."

Cinci (-1) v. Chi

Is Jay Cutler good? There's no way every NFL executive could be wrong, is there?

Atlanta (+3) v. Dallas

Dallas is also poo-poo.

Miami (+7) v. N'awlins

I fucking hate bye weeks. In one of my fantasy leagues, I'm starting Willie Parker, Mewelde Moore and Mike Wallace. Not a good sign. This probably should have gone under the Minny-Pitt game, given that all those guys are Steelers. Whatever.

NYG (-7.5) v. Arizona

The Giants are not as bad as last week made it seem.

Eagles (-35) v. Skins

Worst. Organization. Ever.

What Have We Learned? Week Six

2009-10-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

What did we learn? I am lazy as shit when it comes to writing these recaps. But holyfuckballs the Phils are back in the World Series. God, it makes me want to grease my pole.

Here's whats been on my mind when thinking about Week Six.

What the hell did I do on Sunday?? I drove down from Boston to see Cliff Lee DO WORK on the Dodgers. Which meant I only saw 3 or 4 minutes of the abortion that is Andy Reid's clock management. I didn't even know about McNabb forgetting about how many timeout's he had until some rando Phils fan told me last night. Damn near fell out of my chair. But hey, at least McNabb didn't puke.

Also kids, let me do you a favor here. If you are thinking of getting the pumpkin beer at John Harvard's... DON'T DO IT. They sugar coat the rim (sounds dirty, yet delightful) and sprinkle some nutmeg or shit on top. Seriously, I just had a taste and that thing made me wanna vomit. And I love beer. And I love pie. I love thanksgiving because I get a bunch of both, then put on sweatpants and take a nap. Only way it would be better is if I was woken up by a BJ (/writes note... get BJ wakeup at thanksgiving). But this beer proves that not all deliciousness goes together.

Oh, back to football.

Brady looked good, really good. and I started him. So suck it bitches. But no way that happens against a good team.

The redskins are entering the twilight zone. Its bizzare that Snyder has Zorn by the nuts that badly. I almost feel bad for him, but fuck man. When you are the guy in charge, you gotta take the credit and the blame. Now he's just gotta pull a Steve Phillips and bang-an-ugly-intern his way the hell out of there.

Alright folks. We'll do something for the Skins / Birds suckfest on Monday. Be safe out there.

Live Blog - Game 2 NLCS

2009-10-16T13:10:00.001-07:00

Hey there, we are coming LIVE from the beautiful BackToFront penthouse to live-blogify the Phils and Dodgers in LA, cause shit, I am here by myself and waiting for my bro, his gf and my sis to show up.

4:11 - 2 outs, Chase gets a hit, and the big guy is up. I just dropped a big deuce in his honor. aaaaaaannnd he pops out. Wow, Manny runs like he's got a dump in his drawers.

4:12 - This whole blog won't just be poop.

4:16 - Pedro takes the mound. Hey, I heard that he's old.

4:17 - Just got my new shirt from Birdland x the Fightins ... good work boys

4:27 - I am pretty sure Padilla is wearing makeup.

4:27 - I know this has been said a thousand times in a thousand different ways, but Dodgers fans out to be ashamed of how many empty seats are in that park. Definitely would not happen in Philly or Boston or New York or anywhere but Southern California. Oh and go fuck your 93 degree day. It snowed during my walk into work.

4:31 - Pedro 1, Manny 0

4:37 - "Dodger killer, Carlos Ruiz" I like the sound of that. Chooch has been a monster during the playoffs.

4:39 - And Chooch nearly takes Padilla's balls off. Love that little Panamanian. Also, this first PBR is NOT going down smooth. Might have to go to the pen early.

4:45 - Chooch steals 2nd! I heard that Davy Lopes times pitchers. And is Vic wearing the big helmet? Damn... Victorino pops up. 0-0, bottom of the 3rd.

4:57 - Q. What does the J in Russell Martin's jersey stand for? A. Jerkoff - 0-0, top 4th

5:02 - I love Pedro. I know he's not what he used to be, but the guy brings the fire. and he's in Barkley territory for wanting to party with

5:03 - HOLY SHIT RYAN HOWARD JUST KILLED A BASEBALL - 1-0 Phils

5:06 - Padilla strikes out Werth and Ibanez to get out of the inning. Let's hope they get to this headcase.

5:07 - PBR 1, BtF 0 - Round 2 begins

5:10 - I've just been handed a note from the research staff. Ryan Howard has an RBI in six straight games, tying the MLB record. With 19 this postseason, he now owns the Philles team record

5:11 - Let's see if the Phils can keep from giving this back. Aaaaand Kemp hits a slow one to Pedro and reaches. FML.

5:13 - My man crush on Ruiz is getting bigger. He just GUNNED out Kemp at 2nd.

5:14 - And Ethier pops up the next pitch. Beautiful. And apparently "Wonderful Pistachios" are the nuts of choice in Dodger Stadium. I love me a good pistachio. I'd eat em by the pound if it was socially acceptable

5:15 - Pedro 2, Manny 0. 1-0, Phils, top 5

5:16 - I heard Michael Jackson has a cameo in Astroboy

5:22 - Chooch just misses a shot the other way. Also, Howard only has 9 RBIs, so that 19 is lifetime (I assume). To put it in perspective, A-Rod only has 6.

5:24 - Pedro grounds out. 1-0, going to the bottom of the 5th. The BtF bro and gf should be here any minute now.

5:30 - Pedro gets his first K of the day. He's looking good folks. 55 pitches in 5 innings.

5:31 - "Pedro can still pitch with his head" - Buck Martinez. Ok, Buck, whatever the fuck that means.

5:33 - Pedro strikes out Ronnie Belliard. Belliard sucks so hard, his momma feels it. 1 - 0 Phils, end of 5.

5:34 - "What, I can't flex the golden pipes?"

5:38 - Man, I still miss Harry Kalas. The great announcers of our childhood are slipping away. Chip Caray and Joe Buck ain't gonna do it.

5:40 - Shit, another 1-2-3 for Padilla. He's lookin locked in too. 1-0 going to the bottom half of the 6th.

5:42 - "If you want to sing out, sing out, if you want to be me, be me, if you want to be you, be you" that song is going to turn me into a homicidal maniac one day if they keep this up.

5:43 - You know, I haven't seen George Lopez in aaaaaaaages

5:45 - Shit. Pedro hits Martin. I hate that fucker.

5:47 - PBR 1, BtF 1 - Our judge has it even going into Round 3

6:03 - BtF bro and gf arrived. long day for those kids

6:09 - Pedro 3, Manny 0 - Struck out the predator

6:10 - Ethier flies out to end the 7th. 1-0 Phils, Pedro is still dealing

6:17 - BtF bro can't find the keys. turns out he left them in the ignition. with the doors unlocked. FREE CAR! #dumbass

6:18 - BtF sis here. top 8th, Ruiz draws a walk. still 1-0

6:27 - Chan Ho Park enters the game. His beard looks-a berry nice.

6:33 - GD asian.

6:38 - WHAT THE FUCK UTLEY?! 1-1

6:53 - Breathing again. good play by Werth.

7:01 - Pizza time. I don't wanna talk about it. Overheard on the way to the pizza shop "My nipples are freeeezing" by a young lady. You stay classy Boston.

7:08 - 2-1 Dodgers. Just get me to the plate boys

7:13 - And Utley flies out to end it. 2-1 Dodgers. I'll see you at Game 3 /last time I ever fuckin do this

HOLY SHIT

2009-10-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

That is the baddest ass baby on the planet! Superman is here!

Week Six

2009-10-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

Apparently, BtF is too busy watching Chan Ho Park throw strikes to update everyone on my winnings. I ended up down $50 last week, so my current total is UP $800. Not too shabby, bitches.

Cinci (-5) v. Houston

Why do people refuse to acknowledge that Cinci is good? If it wasn't for Lord Jesus shining his light down upon a white receiver (for once), they'd be undefeated. Doesn't that mean something? And I can't believe that only 20-some people took Ochocinco up on his dinner offer. Cinci fans suck. Big time. I hope this game gets blacked out there.

Det (+14) v. Pack

Packers, go. And why do people refuse to acknowledge that the Packers aren't that good? Grant is clearly just a mediocre back - last season was not an anomaly. And the line, my god the o-line. Lil Aaron Rodgers is going to get killed if they don't do something soon. And I'm not speaking metaphorically; someone is going to piledrive his head into the turf and break his spine. Which definitely won't be good for his QB rating.

Jax (-9.5) v. StL

If you threw out the Skins game, the Rams average loss margin is 28. Four touchdowns. That's absurd. If MoJo and Sims-Walker don't go apeshit all over this weakass team, I'm going to lose my shit. It was also just brought to my attention that Sims-Walker got suspended last week because he was banging some slimmy past curfew. When did Jack Del Rio go all Puritan on our asses? I don't want to live in a world where a guy who rocks a leather jacket on an NFL sideline hates sex. Shit ain't right.

Minny (-3) v. Charm City

Baltimore isn't as good as we thought and Minny is better than we thought. Fucking Gunslinger. He might get to play in another Superbowl. What are the odds that Ray Lewis injures the Gunslinger? The odds have to be better than the goddamn lottery. Which reminds me. Q: What has six balls and rapes old people? A: The lottery.

NYG (+3) v. N'awlins

What a fucking great game. Smashmouth football v. high-octane superfast degenerates from down south. The Giants secondary is a bit suspect and Colston, et al. might take advantage of that. But neither N'awlins line can handle the Giants up front and Brees is going to be running his ass off. Elisha could go nuts.

Pitt (-14) v. Cle

Last week, Derek "My New Favorite QB" Anderson went 2-17 during the game. This is momentous for two reasons. First (and most importantly), it completely whored Bex, who started that numbnuts for unknown reasons. Second, THEY FUCKING WON THE GODDAMN GAME. How the fuck does a team win when their QB completes 2 passes? Buffalo really, really sucks. I cannot emphasize this enough.

Car (+3) v. TB

Really? Could I care less about a game? Rae Carruth should do this game like he did his former baby momma (RIP). There's this dive bar across from where I work that might be the only dive bar in the downtown metropolitan area. They serve doubles in pint glasses for $4 and three of them will destroy you. I went to a baseball game two weeks ago with my boys and we each had three doubles. We proceeded to argue at the game about whether or not Bex could hold down a monkey long enough to have sex with it. Sexing a monkey > this game.

KC (+6) v. Skins - FOR $100

Mike Sellers has turned into a little bitch. Riggins completely whored Zorn and the front office. If you haven't seen his diatribe, you really should. It's accurate, biting, and funny. It's fucking great. It's just a shame it will have no impact and the goddamn Skins will continue slogging through lost season after lost season. Goddamn it I hate football.

Phi (-14) v. Oak

This spread could be 21 and I'd lay the points. Oakland is a fucking joke. Philly is not. Plus, if Philly wins this one, Geno's is giving Andy Reid a lifetime all-you-can-eat-for-free card. You know his ass likes to eat to forget the pain of being a terrible father. Giving Vick a second chance isn't going to change the fact that you ruined your sons' lives, Andy. Just sayin.

Cards (+3) v. Seacocks

The only thing worse than the Redskins being a complete failure of an organization is when it's coupled with the Seacocks doing well. Please God, let them lose to your second son, Kurt Warner. Let him raise up his mighty gloved hand and smite the heathens from the north. But in your infinite mercy and wisdom, see fit to allow Housh to catch 18 balls for 231 yards and 2 TDs. Amen.

Pats (-9.5) v. Titans

The Pats are going to finish this season 11-5 and will be hitting their stride in about week 14. But they'll pull a Sox in the playoffs and get whored in the first round. You heard it here first. They'll lose because Brady isn't the same player as before he had surgery. There isn't nearly enough coverage of how much knee surgery fucks a QB. Look at Carson Palmer - he hasn't been the same since he went under the knife. Unfortunately, looks like the same deal with Tawmy. At least the docs also removed his testicles, so he has no problem with whining to the refs for calls.

NYJ (-9.5) v. Buf

Buffalo really really really really really sucks. The buffalo wings at Charlie's however do not. Especially the death wings. The little bits of jalapeno make them so juicy and delicious. Goddamn I love chicken wings.

Chi (+3) v. Atl

Poor Bears fans. First good QB in 20 years and it's one of the worst teams they've had in a few years. I can't put my finger on it but they just aren't that good. But they're good enough to beat Atlanta. This spread is warped because of the way they assraped the 49ers last week. I smell a trap. Lay the points.

Den (+3) v. SD

So does a coach make his players great or do great players make a coach great? I'm more inclined to agree with the latter but this Denver team is throwing a wrench at my monkey. Neckbeard was a mediocre QB at best when he played for the Bears. Now he's fucking thrown for 1,200 yards, 7 TDs and 1 INT through 5 games. The fuck? He's one of the 10 best QBs in the league through a quarter of the season. If I were drafting a team, I'd take him over Romo and Cutler. These are troubling times, people. Troubling times, indeed. Neckbeard.

I spit nothing but truthy fire.

Speaking of TPain...

2009-10-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

Oh... looks like Jenkem went to the store.

WTF

2009-10-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

Look. I am glad they found the balloon boy, even though I made some joke about anyone seeing a kid fall out of the sky. But after seeing this video, I'm not as sure....

What have we learned - Week 5

2009-10-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

First, before I get to the laziest blog of the season, I got something to say:

FUCK GOTHS

These two-bit, Matrix-loving bastards apparently have their own night at the bar I go to for Eagles and Phillies games. There were four of us there the other night, watching the Phillies beat the Rockies and clinch in a dramatic, come from behind victory for the ages.

These two-bit, attention whores in makeup piss me the fuck off. Now, look. You don't have to watch the game. that's fine. but don't fuckin make comments out loud like "is this cricket?", "that man in the tight pants threw something to the other one" and "oh they have sticks" when I am sitting two seats away. And shit like "help, there are normal people near me!" will not help the situation. I'm not there screaming "shit! bring guns! I just fell into the matrix" or " oh fuck I forgot to wear my cat ears!" You don't like me, I don't like you. but keep your fuckin mouth shut you two-bit makeup wearing fucks, and I'll do the same.

Ahhh, I feel better.

Anyway, week 5. Like I said, I watched the Phils and Eagles this week, so I am gonna be pretty worthless.

We learned that the Eagles offense is just a beast. Look out for Maclin again this week against Oakland (glad I dropped him from my fantasy team)

We learned that the Giants, Ravens, Saints, Broncos, and Colts are the best teams in the league (although not in that order).

We learned that the Browns, Rams, Chiefs, Raiders and Bucs are the worst teams in the league (again, not in that order). Oh, and the Redskins too.

We learned that Sportscenter has a segment called "What have we learned" in a BLATANT rip-off of our work here at NH. Don't worry Bristol, our lawyers will be in touch.

That's all for now folks. Headed out to watch the NLCS tonight. There better not be any goths.

"CHAOS"

2009-10-10T17:29:00.001-07:00

Is how the Redskins organization is being described by the beat reporter from WJFK. Dude sounds bitter.

Awesome.

Week Five

2009-10-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

Four weeks gone in the season and your boy is sitting pretty, up almost a grand. Not too bad for someone who sucks ass at gambling. Danger however is lurking. Your boy is thinking about making these picks for real. God help me.

In other news, I went to bed last night at about 10:15. On a Friday. I didn't even stay up long enough to watch the end of the Sox-Angels game. That series is over. There's no chance that the Sox can win 3 in a row; they're just not that good. Suck it, Beantown. The Yanks, on the other hand, look pretty fucking good. Whatever. On to the money making, moneymakers.

One last thing before we get started - the games this week suck. There are like 3 games worth watching.

Charm City (-9) v. Cinci

The Ravens are very, very good. But are they 9 points better than Cinci? Kind of a big spread but after the Pats game last week (and the resulting ire of Ray Lewis and Ed Reed), I think they are going to prove a point this week. Lay the points

Cle (-6) v. Buf

Buffalo isn't 6 points better than anyone. And my iPod fucking loves Sweet Child o' Mine. Every time I put that bitch on 'Shuffle Songs,' Sweet Child comes on within the first five songs. I love GnR as much as (or maybe more) than the next guy but this shit is getting a little fucking ridiculous.

Car (-3.5) v. Was

This game is a piece of shit. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to watch the whole thing. But just for fun, let's recap this week in Skinsdom, shall we? In the Bucs game, Portis asks Zorn to pull Sellers for missing a block on 4th and 1. Sellers finds out this week and shit blows up, with everyone accusing Portis of being Snyder's pet bitchboy. And then Cerrato went to the local bingo hall to find the best goddamn bingo caller in all the land - Sherman Lewis. Apparently, he's going to fix the offense? Fucking train wreck motherfuckers.

Pitt (-11.5) v. Det

I don't like this line. Does anyone know if Polamalu is playing? My ass is too lazy to look it up. People sleep on the Lions' offense a little bit. They've got quality at all three skill positions and their line doesn't look as bad as the lines of the other really terrible teams. They could keep this close. Hopefully, chronically-getting-fatter Big Ben will put some points up. And hopefully Mendenhall's leg will snap, so Not-So-Fast Willie Parker can regain his starting job after the owey on his toe gets better.

KC (+9) v. Dal - FOR $100

Dallas sucks. They don't suck as bad as the Skins but they are pretty bad. KC is also pretty bad, though maybe not quite as bad as everyone thinks. Bowe hasn't done dick this year and is due for a breakout game. Why not here? Lay the points, kids.

NYG (-16) v. Oak

Who knew that Steve Smith 2.0 (thanks, Sportsguy) would be the leading receiver in the NFL through a quarter of the season? You're lying if you're pointing to yourself. Like I said last week - the Giants are a very good football team. And good football teams beat the hell out of shitty ones. There's a 16% chance that Osi will finish Josh Johnson Mortal Kombat style.

Phi (-15.5) v. TB

The question is - do you play LeSean McCoy? Clearly, the Eagles have decided that Westbrook can't carry the ball 20+ times per game and make it through the whole season. And obviously the Eagles are going to pummel the Bucs, but does that mean LeSean will get 10 carries? PS - nice call on everyone who picked Vick in the last round of their fantasy drafts. Retards.

Minny (-11) v. Rams

Fuck Brett Favre. Although it was impressive that his dick was big enough for Jaws, Gruden, and Tirico to slobber over for 3 hours. And airing the entire fucking postgame press conference was a nice touch. You know, for those of us that were unclear on Favre's history with the Packers and who didn't know whether he liked having the balls worked and then the shaft, or vice versa.

Frisco (-2.5) v. Atl

2 for 5s over here. N*****s got garbage down the way. I grew up on the crime side, New York Times side. Staying alive weren't no jive. At second hands, moms bounced on old men. So then we moved to Shaolin land. Which is where the 9ers are living. Crazy coach, Shaun Hill, Crabtree - the only possible explanation is that you don't fuck with the Wu Tang.

Hou (+5) v. Cards

How are the Cards favored by 5? The fuck is this line about? Houston looked terrible in the first two weeks but haven't looked bad in the last two, and Lil Stevie Slaton appears to have (kinda) found his first step. Have the Cards looked good in any games? I guess they looked kinda decent in that Sunday night game against the Colts. Even so. This line is confusing, prease.

NE (-3) v. Denver

I waffled on this one. All I could think about was that scene in Return of the Jedi where Vader whored the Emperor by chucking him down that big hole. What the fuck was the deal with all the gigantic goddamn holes in all the Empire's ships and DeathStars and whatnot? Seems like a design flaw. ANYWAYS. Belichick is clearly the Emperor. But is McDaniels Vader? Or is that Mangini? I guess Mangini turned against his Emperor, so it's probably not him. I just don't think the student is ready to defeat the master yet. And the Pats looked pretty damn good last week.

Jax (+1) v. Sea

The Jags were a favorite of a lot of the talking heads in the preseason. Until they cocked up the first few weeks and fell out of favor. But with the emergence of Sims-Walker as a legitimate WR and Lil Mo reminding us why he's one of the top 5 backs in the league, they might be able to rescue their season. This game should be a good test for them. There's no reason they should lose to a hurting Seacocks squad.

Indy (-4) v. Tenn

Tennessee might be the best winless team out there. But Indy is really fucking good and they've won a bitchload of games. And there's no chance you fuckers knew that Pierre Garcon was a black dude before you saw him. There are French black people? True story - I was on the Metro in Paris about ten years ago and I randomly started talking to this black dude. He asked where I was from and I told him Washington D.C. (as I wasn't going to explain the intricacies of NoVA in my broken-ass French). His next question - "are there black people in Washington D.C.?"

NYJ (-1) v. Miami

Dirty Sanchez isn't as good as everyone thought but he's not as bad as Chad Henne. And the Jets D is better than the Wildcat.

I spit nothing but fiery truth.

A Metaphor for the Skins Season

2009-10-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

Yeah, pretty much D.O.A. right from the start...

Fuck Me In The Goat Ass

2009-10-06T20:04:00.001-07:00

I AM UP $900 THROUGH THE SEASON, BITCHES.

SMELL THE GLOVE.

FEAR THE TURTLE.

What Have We Learned? Week Four

2009-10-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Hey Kiddies, its your friend BackToFront here.

Now, some of you may wonder what my name actually means. So here's the explanation. Its how I wipe my ass. This whole blog is basically based off of fart/dick/ass jokes, so why not have a little ass reference in the screen-names.

Hell, just google Jenkem, and you'll have your mind blown.

But here's the thing. I take my shit seriously.

No, really. I do. I switch floors at work to drop a deuce. My stuff is usually pretty rank, and the airflow at work (one of america's more prestigious universities) is awful. you bomb it out and everyone within 30 feet can smell it. In fact, there is a naaaaaaaaaaasty motherfucker that just ruins my morning. every day. fucker flushes like 40% of the time. that is just nastyyyyy (cleveland voice).

Anyway, my thoughts are if you are gonna go boom-boom at work, the following is necessary:

1) Courtesy flush
2) total cleanup - no shit spray or tp leftover
3) NO acknowledgment of what happened if someone else is in the room.

It's all I want... is that too much to ask?

ANYWAY, what did we learn?

The Giants look good. Elisha should still play unless he's got a lot of sand in his vagina.

New Orleans can handle their bid-ness. I am looking forward to their game.

Dallas is no good. But neither is Denver.

Jay Cutler can take a fuckin shot like a champ.

Look for Pittsburgh to get better throughout the season.

Baltimore is still one of the top 5 teams in the league.

and finally... we learned everyone and their brother at ESPN has still got a Favre-on. This fucker just won't die. But the Vikings looked good last night on both ends of the ball, although Purple Jesus turned in a mediocre performance.

And since I am fat and lazy, I almost forgot to tell you that Jenk's was up SEVEN last week for a grand total of SEVENTEEN against the spread. One away from legal, FML I should actually listen to him.

Skins - Live Blog

2009-10-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

I need somewhere to vent my frustrations (other than misdirecting my anger towards my wife. with my fists). Ergo, live blog time prease.

First Quarter

13:00 - After Campbell fumbled on our opening drive, Carlos Rogers displayed his suckitude by letting Josh "career backup" Johnson connect with Antonio Bryant for 6. That represents the first time the Bucs have scored first IN TWELVE GAMES.

12:53 - Give to Portis. What a novel idea.

11:33 - The Skins go 3 and out. The fans boo. I cry.

**Switch to the Red Zone Channel. Easily one of the greatest inventions of the last 10 years. Right now, it's showing Pats-Ravens AND Oak-Hou. It's kind of like a drug: at first, it's a bit overwhelming and it's difficult to determine what to expect but, once you slide into that shit...disco.

10:35 - Johnson scrambles for 4 when it looked like he was going to be sacked. He's going to finish with a QB rating over 75.

8:48 - Skins hold TB to about 5 and out. Let's see if we can get more than 3 plays.

8:00 - Randle El picks the kickoff up at the 4 and gets to the 6. Strong.

5:39 - Campbell throws a backwards pass to Portis. Who drops it. Another punt. I just announced that if the Skins are down by 14 or more at half, I'm not watching the second half.

2:56 - Nugent (K TB) hits the post. Donk.

1:07 - Campbell throws it behind Randle El. 4th down.

1:01 - 4th and 4. We go for it. INTERCEPTION. Jim Zorn is reckless as a motherfucker.

End of the First. Tampa is up 7-zip. The Skins will not score more than 16 points this game. It's a lock.

Second Quarter

Skins have the ball to open. I bet we don't score.

10:02 - Campbell throws pick number 2. There's no chance this post makes it past halftime. Red Zone Channel is going to be in heavier rotation.

Unclear how much time is left - Ted Nugent cocks up another field goal. I only was half paying attention because I was hooking mom's birthday present. Netflix-for-audiobooks, bitches. Respekt.

6:53 - Portis picks up 9. He looks decent. Campbell - 5/11, 60 yds, 2 picks. Solid numbers, people.

4:48 - Campbell just gunned the ball directly into the ref's dome. The. Fuck.

1:44 - Winslow gets the first. Bucs are marching.

:26 - Los Rogers drops a sure pick. He's got hands and he knows how to use them.

:02 - Ted Nugent steps up. He's 0-2 in the game and 0-4 on the season. He sucks at his job. And....it's good.

10-0. Half.

No chance I'm writing about the second half. Fucking fuck the fuckin Skins.

Week Four

2009-10-03T13:57:00.000-07:00

UW should have beaten Notre Dame. But ND's goal line defense was pretty absurd. Golden Tate sound like an apple. Or a porn star. Or a deviant sex act that involves an apple.

Lions (+12) v. Chicago

Chicago isn't that good and Detroit is pretty bad. But Stafford is better than Seneca Wallace and Calvin Johnson is better than Burleson. No team in the NFC North is good enough to lay 12 points with.

Cle (+6) v. Cinci

I smell a trap game. Cinci has played to the level of their opponent in pretty much every game this year. They'll probably win by 7.

Hou (-10.5) v. Oak

JaMarcus Russell is not a good quarterback. Houston's offense has looked out of sync so far this year but they'll put up 21 on Oaktown. That should be enough to cover.

Indy (-10.5) v. Sea

Even without Dwight Freeney, the Colts should easily win this game. Weird that a game in Seattle gets a 10 a.m. kickoff. Who makes that decision?

Jax (+3) v. Ten

Tennessee has been pretty unlucky this year and I think Jax sneaks by them. I'm not that confident in this pick.

NYG (-10) v. KC - For $100

The Giants are good. And good football teams beat the hell out of the teams that they are better than.

Bal (+3) v. NE

Baltimore definitely looks better than the Tawmy Brady and the gang. Everyone sleeps on Charm City's offense. It looks good.

TB (+8.5) v. Washington

No comment.

Buf (-1) v. Mia

The wildcat does not work in the 4th quarter if you are behind. And how is a team led by Chad Henne only a one point dog?

N'awlins (-7) v. J-E-T-S

The Jets D is good. It's not good enough to stop Drew Brees (who will not throw for 50 TDs) and the Saints offense. The high score is going to force Sanchez to throw the ball a lot in the second half. That might not go so well.

Den (+3) v. Dal

Everyone says that Denver is one of the worst 3-0 teams in recent memory. Still, they're undefeated and McDaniels is looking downright Belichickian. They might suprise the Chargers.

SF (-10) v. StL

When was the last time you saw the 49ers favored by 10 and felt good about the line? What would this line be if Gore was playing? I say 13.5. Right now, the 49ers are one of the five best teams in the NFC, along with the Giants, Saints, Eagles and Minny. Crazy fucking times abound.

SD (+6) v. Pitt

This line seems a bit high. Pittsburgh isn't that great and their running back got benched for not knowing the playbook. Never a good sign. Without Palamalu, the Stillers might get burned by the deep ball. Asshole Rivers is good at throwing the ball far.

GB (+4) v. Minny

I hope Aaron Rodgers throws for 400 yards, 4 TDs, and bangs a Minny cheerleader on the air. I hope one of the Williamses goes Theisman on Favre. Packers, Go. Go. Go. Gogo.

What Have We Learned? Week Three

2009-10-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is BacktoFront, and I am an addict.

I love chick pop music.

Ahhh, its a relief to finally admit that shit. Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, all that shit. I sing along to it too..."annnd that's what you get for wakin up in Veeeeegas"

God, I got problems. But not as big as Jim Zorn. That cockpimple is losing that team already. Definitely gone by the end of the year.

Anyway, here's your late weekly recap.

Well done by my partner in crime. Another +5 against the spread for another 250, putting that faux-mexican up 500 for the season. I might even start betting with him. Wow, and I thought admitting that I love Katy Perry was the scariest part about this post.

We learned that the Skins really suck. Losing to the Lions is one of those losses that can derail a season or two. or ten.

We learned that Jake Delhomme is in some serious trouble... a few more games like that one against Dallas is going to get him the Ol' Yeller treatment.

Hey, have you guys heard that Brett Favre had a last second TD? And that he plays his old team this week?? That's crazy, because he used to play for the Packers, and now he's playing against them!

We learned that Favre's other old team is looking really good. I wouldn't be surprised to see them come out of the AFC east.

We also learned that Pittsburgh might not be as good as we thought...they should have easily handled Cinci... its tough to win without a running game.

Finally, lets put the over/under at 3.5 weeks for the first major T.O. incident. Leave your predictions in the comments.

Cerrato Sucks Donkey Dick & Gambling

2009-09-30T14:52:00.001-07:00

Don't think that Cerrato isn't also a piece of fuck responsible for the Skins being the laughingstock of the NFL. Although, he's such a moron that it's tough to build up any kind of burning animosity against him. When Fucktard was looking to hire a Yes Man to run the Skins, of course he'd turn to Vinny.

There was an interview with Charley Casserly that I heard about a year ago where Charley was talking about Cerrato. He wouldn't explicitly say that he suffered from Downs Syndrome, but he did mention that none of Cerrato's former employers (49ers, Notre Dame) extended his position or offered him a job after his initial tenure was up. Fucking inept piece of shit.

Finally, if anyone wants to take the Skins (-7) next week, let me know. I'll take all bets.

The Skins Are Fucking Terrible

2009-09-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

Fuck Jim Zorn and his fucking terrible-ass play calling. Fuck Dan Snyder and his monstrosity of an ego. (you're cool, Danny Smith). Fuck Greg Blache and his I-don't-want-to-blitz-a-rookie-QB attitude. Fuck the Redskins. I hope they lose that goddamn lawsuit and have to change their fucking names to the Wizards.

The only question is who should take most of the blame?

The Case for Snyder

He's in the top five worst owners of a professional sports franchise, along with Al Davis, Donald Sterling, the cocksmoker who let Newcastle get relegated, and someone else I can't think of because I'm too frustrated and apathetic. Fucktard bought the Skins before the 99-00 season and it's been a debacle ever since.

I don't need to rehash his shortcomings. We all know them. He's a meddling fucktard who nobody wants to work for. He thinks he can buy wins. Blah blah blah. It's all been said before. He very much might be the biggest problem because regardless of what happens with Zorn, Blache, JC, Clinton, and the rest of the team, there's no reason to think that the next regime will be able to overcome his ability to repeatedly fuck everything up. Which is why he instills a sense of hopelessness and apathy in what few fans are still hanging on.

The Case for Zorn

He is easily one of the worst coaches in football. His play-calling sucks, he doesn't inspire his players, and he seems completely overwhelmed with being a head coach. We'll start with the play-calling.

I cannot emphasize enough how fucking terrible Zorn's choice of plays are.* In the Rams game, the Skins had 4th and goal on the 1 and they ran a sweep to the left. I don't have a problem with them going for it. But the sweep was a terrible call, especially when you consider that the Skins were dominating the line of scrimmage at that point, their quarterback is 6'5 and 220, and their fullback is 6'3, 270, and built like a truck.** In fact, Sellers has ZERO carries this year. The fuck is that about? But the worst - and the most telling - was when Zorn ran the exact same fucking play in the exact same fucking situation against Detroit. Which brings us to Zorn's worst quality - he has no sense of reality.

Zorn has no idea what a terrible coach he is. He has no idea that everyone knows the Skins run left when they need a yard. He has no idea that he should be super fucking concerned about the fact that the Skins offense scored 23 points against the perennial powerhouse defenses of St. Louis and Detroit. He "doesn't believe there is a big picture problem." He doesn't think that running 5 times in the first half and 13 times total is a problem. He has no idea that Greg Blache is also a terrible play caller. He has no idea that he's losing his players. I could go on but this paragraph is already too goddamn long. You get the point. Zorn is a chucklehead.

The Case for Blache

He didn't blitz a rookie quarterback. Stafford had a 40-something rating during the first two weeks. He doubled that shit in week 3. A Johnson not named Calvin scored a touchdown. Goddamn it.

I'm well aware of our deficiencies and I'm not claiming our defense is stellar. Our cornerbacks are below average. Our defensive ends are old and slow. Our linebackers are in the bottom fourth of the league. But our schemes are ridiculously vanilla.

I know fuck-all about defensive scheming but I know that DeAngelo Hall can't play man or press receivers. I also know that he's pretty good in zone and that he's at his best when he's taking chances in a zone. And what the fuck is the deal with Orakpo? He shows flashes of brilliance but I can't imagine it's easy for a rookie to play multiple positions. Either move him around the field and have him do the same thing (try to rape QBs) or put him in one position and teach him how to play it. Even if it means HB Blades is going to be a starting linebacker.

I can actually feel myself getting fucking angry. This post may have to end earlier than I originally anticipated. It's ridiculous that writing about a goddamn sports team makes me this bitter.

The Case for the Players

They execute poorly. For the most part, they're older than me (and I'm old enough to have a fucked up back). Clinton has clearly lost a step. Our cornerbacks can't play man. Chad Rhinehart is a starter. But for my money, the players are the least of our problem. They aren't great but the Skins aren't the least talented team on the block.

****

Most of my friends who are Skins fans say they're writing the squad off for the season. Ditto for most of the people calling into WJFK. For some reason, I can't. I tell people I'm writing them off but I still find myself hoping that the Skins will fall assbackwards into a winning record. There's some part of me that thinks they might be able to make the playoffs, even though they suck. Crazier shit has happened. This is the same logic that causes me to buy lottery tickets when the Megamillions jackpot goes over $200,000,000. I just can't help it.

And yet, it is undeniable that the Skins are a terrible football team. From top to bottom. There's enough blame to spread between Fucktard and Chucklehead. But blaming them isn't going to make the Skins better. It's not going to make the owner sell the team. Godfuckingdamnit.

*Danny Smith called the fake field goal.

**I wanted to say "gorilla" but I already make enough racial slurs and didn't want to give you fuckers the wrong idea.

Week Three

2009-09-25T14:59:00.001-07:00

I'm typing this from my hotel room in mystical Manchester, Connecticut. Let me clear something up - Connecticut fucking sucks. Its only redeeming quality is UConn basketball. And possibly their football team of late. Donald Brown looks pretty good.

This post will be quick because I have to go to a dysfunctional rehearsal dinner with my insane extended family. My uncle is legitimately fucking nuts. And not in a metaphorical, I-don't-like-him way. He's crazy. This should be interesting.

Bal (-13.5) v. Cle

Charm City has the best football team in the country right now. I really need to see what the odds of them winning the Superbowl is. Wacko for Flacco, indeed.

TB (+7) v. NYG

Because fuck my little brother. That's why.

GB (-7) v. StL - FOR $100

This is an absurd line. The Rams are fucking terrible. Green Bay is not.

KC (+9) v. Philly

Kevin Kolb isn't beating anyone by 9. Not even the lowly Chefs. If they start Vick at QB during the 2nd half, they might cover. But Andy Reid won't do that. Because fat people suck.

Atl (+4.5) v. NE

Good thing I took Brady over Brees in one of my fantasy leagues. If I were betting on this game, I'd take Atlanta and the moneyline. It would be sweet to see the Pats lose two in a row.

SF (+7) v. Minny

Minny isn't as good as everyone thinks. San Francisco isn't as good as their record suggests. But they're good enough to keep it close.

Hou (-4.5) v. Jax

Jax looked really, really bad last week. They should resign Matt Jones. That cokehead is better than any of their current receivers.

Det (+6.5) v. the Skins

I don't want to talk about this game. Detroit has lost its last 18 games. The Skins are one of the 5 worst teams in football. At least I won't have to watch it, as I'll be travelling.

Ten (+3) v. NYJ

Mark Sanchez comes back down to earf. What are the odds Chris Johnson goes apeshit again this week? Probably not very high.

NO (-6) v. Buggalo

While typing this, I inadvertently hit 'g' instead of 'f.' Buggalo is way cooler than Buffalo. Shit sounds like a mediocre pop-punk band. Anyways. How the fuck is N'awlins only favored by 6? And how the fuck does the line open at 4? Shit is disrespectful.

Chi (-2) v. Sea

Seneca Wallace is not a good backup QB. I don't care what Print Journalism's Danny O'Neill says.

Pitt (-4) v. Cinci

Pitt should have won last week + Pitt owns Cinci = Hines Ward cerebratrion madness, prease. Start him.

Den (-2) v. Oak

This line opened with OAKLAND FAVORED BY 2! Is Vegas drunk? Wait. That question makes no sense. Sure, Denver kinda sucks but Oakland really, really sucks. When a black dude named Louis Murphy is your answer, your problem has not been solved.

SD (-7) v. Mia

The wildcat is not good enough to win 9 games.

Indy (+1.5) v. Arizona

Indy. Yeah.

Dallas (-9) v. Car

Dallas is good enough to beat the shit out of terrible teams but not good enough to beat any good teams. They will thrash the Panthers.

Oh Jersey

2009-09-24T13:50:00.001-07:00

/palmface

Where we can't keep our cops off our cows... from nj.com

2009-09-23T02:53:00.000-07:00

What have we learned - Week 2

Well, Mr. My-shit-don't-stink is up +250 on the season. Congratulations. I am going to do a little predicting of my own on the one.

+3.5 weeks over / under number of weeks before poop huffer comes back down to earth. remember, the skins will be his downfall.

Since I was in Chile all week, I didn't see annnny of the games. Which sucks, a lot. Not as much as getting diarrhea on a plane, but close. way too close (not that that ever happened to me). I didn't even see Mr. Deux-deux-deux's fattest 3 minutes. So I wouldn't put a lot of stock into my football talk this week. But here's what I did learn:

1. Chileans can't play craps for shit. I was at a casino in La Serena last night, and was rolling some bones. You'd think that everyone would be more passionate and loud and you would be wrong. I hit a few points, and no cheering at all for the gringo. And the concept of putting odds behind the pass line was MIND-BLOWING. So that was a waste.

2. I still suck at roulette. especially in chile.

3. Pisco sours, while sounding like the ultimate chick drink, will fuck you up.

4. I hate Chilean casinos.

Ok, so that aside... here's the official look-at-the-spread-then-the-espn-headlines-recap-a-week bullshit

We learned that Mark Sanchez is the Mexican Joe Namath. Just keep him away from the tequila and Michelle Tafoya.

We learned that Kevin Kolb is a great manager, but a shitty player. The Eagles couldn't stop the crazy New Orleans offense, and lost a game that was winnable until the 4th quarter. I can't wait for McNabb to get back (I can't believe I just wrote that). The Birds had 4 turnovers in this one... look for them to stop that immediately.

We learned that St Louis vs. Washington was possibly one of the shittier games you'll see all season. Er, I mean, it was a defensive battle. Yeah, and 5 guys is cholesterol free.

We learned that Houston can win even if it doesn't try to stop Chris Johnson, who almost single-handedly beat my fantasy team. Fuck... there is no way that Johnson (or Schaub) is that good.

We learned that Baltimore can give up a shitload of yards amd scores, and still win the game. Well done by South Jersey's own Joe Flacco.

We learned that the Browns are reallllly going to be bad this year. I bet Brady Quinn cries by the end of the season.

And finally... Jerry Jones and his new toy. Fuck that. Fuck Texas. That whole state is one big dick-measuring contest. We get it, you have a big shiny new stadium. Here's the thing though, you still got your boy Romo as the QB, and he is a choke artist through and through. Now granted so is McNabb (and either one of those is better than Campbell), its still not going to get the job done in the playoffs. So here is another prediction... Cowboys don't win aannny playoff games this year. Bam

/Seacrest out

Oh hai Scott Baio

2009-09-20T03:11:00.000-07:00

Maybe its because I am headed to bed at 6 AM, but this is some funny shit

WRONG HOLE with DJ Lubel, Taryn Southern and Scott Baio from Scott Baio

Suck it USC

2009-09-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

While Jenkem was over at an MLS game with all the other scarf-wearing, basketball-hating alterna-hipsters (fuck how can that city let the sonics leave then throw all their love behind a team that just showed up?!) ... this was happening over at UW.

Since I didn't actually watch the game (I am in South America, bitches), I am not going to talk about it. But it looks like Steve Sarkisian has the Huskies off on the right foot, which is good, because that program was HURTING for some good news (like my right nipple... BAM!). And besides, USC has had enough success in the last decade, so fuck em.

Seems a bit much doesn't it?

2009-09-19T13:28:00.000-07:00

The Browns are going to be terrible this year, and its only going to get worse with morale-boosting moves like this. The Mangenious fined a played $1,701 dollars for taking a $3 dollar bottle of water without paying for it.

Think about that.

That's more than my rent. For a $3 dollar bottle of water.

And what hotel doesn't keep track of its mini-bar? and which one only charges $3 bucks? I just stayed in a shithole in Albuqerque and that stuff cost 5 bucks (yeah! La Quinta!) The honor system just encourages this type of behavior.

Week Two

2009-09-18T13:14:00.001-07:00

I am up $50. SUCK IT, WHORES.

Mr. Doesn't-Know-How-to-Wipe-His-Ass didn't count my double-up on N'awlins. Because he isn't very good with numbers. Thank god he's not a scientist.

For those of you that don't know, BtF is suffering from bloody nipples. That's not some cute name for something else - his nipples are actually bleeding. He's got some fucked up porn stigmata. Long live Bloody Nipples.

Car (+7) v. Atl

Jake Delhomme Jake Del-sucks. I'm not treading any new ground here but he's terrible. Even so...division game. I think the Falcons overlook the Panther. Rawr.

Rams (-10.5) v. Was

If Washington loses this game, I am going to cut my eyeballs out of my face. If the Skins lose, Zorn is definitely getting fired. Let's see if the Skins can break 30 (something they haven't done in Zorn's tenure).

Hou (+8) v. Ten

Lay the points. Houston underperformed last week. They can't suck this bad again. Please god, let Steve Slaton have a good game. Tennessee is too much like Charm City - they don't blow anyone out.

N'awlins (pick em) v. Philly

If M.C. Nabb was healthy, it would be a game. I guess we'll find out this week if the Eagles defense is for real.

21 - over/under points allowed for N'awlins. Under 21 means Philly's D is solid.

Pats (-5) v. J-E-T-S, JetsJetsJets!

Given that the Pats own the Jets, why do the Jets insist on talking shit. If I got my ass kicked by Bloody Nips every week, would I taunt him? Actually, bad example. I'd taunt him if he held the key to my survival. Tom Brady looked shaky, the Pats D looked terrible...and I never really doubted that they were going to win last week. Now I know how the German commoners felt in 1940.

Oak (+3) v. KC

With or without Cassell, KC ain't as good as the Raiders. They looked kinda decent last week, even though their quarterback is fatter than me in 1998. How the fuck does that fat piece of shit have such a cannon?

Ariz (+3) v. JAX

God, I hate Kurt Warner. I hope he gets plowed by Ron Jeremy.

GB(-9) v. Cinci

Green Bay is good. Cinci is not. This game is going to be high scoring. Take the over.

Minn (-10.5) v. Det

Adrian Peterson is a goddamn freak. Detroit's defense sucks ass. Plus, one of the rookie QBs has to come back down to earth and I'm guessing it's Stafford.

TB (+5) v. Buffalo

The Bills are losers. Of this, there is no question. Trent Edwards ain't too shabby, though.

San Fran (pick em) v. Seacocks

Seacocks are good at home and suck on the road. Singletary appears to have whipped the 9ers into a hot, dripping, vaginal mess. They might win their (fucking terribly weak) division.

Pitt (-3) v. Chi

Omar Epps > a drunk Cutler

Den (-3) v. Cle

I'm neither drunk nor high, so I literally have nothing to say.

Bal (+3) v. SD

Baltimore is better than San Diego. Straight up. And someone needs to beat the shit out of Phillip Rivers. I don't care if he is my fantasy qb, he's a fucking dick. God, I hate white people.

NYG (+2.5) v. Dallas

Dallas isn't as good as they appeared against TB. The Giants are only going to get better. Tila Tequila deserved to get her ass beat. Pink is more man-ish than Lady GaGa. Day is the new night.

Indy (-3) v. Miami

Sorry, Mike. Fins are coming back down to earth. They did not look good last week.

Season Total = +$50

What Have We Learned? Week One

2009-09-17T16:41:00.001-07:00

While Jenkem is dealing with predicting the future (which is definitely the dangerous side of the predicting business) I get the job of mucking through the games each week to pick out what we learned from the weekend's games.

The first thing we learned is that Jenkem is 0.500 in his picks. He ain't lost ya any money yet, but he ain't won ya no money yet either, which brings me to my second point.

The next thing we learned was that the Pats didn't take the Bills seriously at *all*. Whether or not this is preseason rust, or just high expectations for a healthy Brady, the bottom line is that they did not perform. And that cost y'all some coin. And that ain't right.

The next thing we learned is that Philly's defense is something scary. It seems that Sean McDermott has taken up Jim Johnson's mantle and decided just to blitz the shit out of the Panther's on 3rd and long. Now while the front 7 did a great job, the secondary deserves huge ups for shutting down Steve Smith. Now let's see what they do against New Orleans.

The next thing we learned is that Adrian Peterson is a cot dam beast. But we already knew that. Two MAJOR stiff-arms in the same run just reinforces his position as the marquis back of the league. But his new Nike commercials blow. The scare my mom, who is definitely their target audience.

As an aside, I am writing this in the first class section of American Airlines flight 2111 (that's right bitches), and there is a fruit fly in my wine. HOW CAN I WRITE WHEN THESE ATROCITIES OCCUR? But I digress...

The next thing that we learned is the Green Bay defense looks serious this year. Don't sleep on GB. They have all the parts to make a serious run in the NFC, which is definitely wide open. But not wide open enough to include the Redskins.

The next thing we learned is that the Rams suck. While the Seahawks are the vogue pick to make something happen this year, they still have an injury prone QB and the old man RB du jour. But they are in the NFC West which is atrocious, so expect them to fail within the last 3 weeks of the season.

Finally, we learned that Darren Sproules is going to be a featured back by week 9. This guy is way to dynamic to NOT be taking the majority of the snaps. I expect LTD to be on Brandon Jacobs duty by then.

Week One

2009-09-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention that the default amount for each bet is fidy dorral.

Miami (+4) v. Atl
Who's got two thumbs and wants to blaze with Ricky Williams?

KC (+12) v. Charm City
The line opened at 7. That's batshit fucking crazy. I hate this bet. Thus, I will probably win it.

Phi(-2.5) v. Car
Another line that moved over four points. People sleep on DeSean Jackson.

Over/under weeks until Philly fans want Vick to start (6)

Den (+5) v. Cinci
I hate Josh McDaniels, that arrogant little Belichick wannabe. Ochocinco is fantastic. God hates me. Thus, Denver wins. Not cover - win. Watch.

Minny (-3.5) v. Cle
Purple Jesus > Gay Poster Boy QB

Hou (-4) v. NYJ
Everybody loves Houston this time of year. They've got much upside, baby.

Indy (-7) v. Jax
MoJo is banged up. Peyton is not. Is there any chance that Peyton doesn't call plays this year?

New Orleans (-13.5) v. Det
This line could be 25 and I'd still take it. N'awlins might hang fidy. I'm sure I'll lose this bet. So sure, that I'll put $100 down on this game.

Cowgirls (-5) v. TB
I hate Dallas. I'm sure they'll fucking win.

Arizona (-6) v. SF
When Kurt plays, Arizona wins. Shame that he won't play more than 9 games.

Washington (+7) v. NYG
They'll probably lose but they won't lose by 7. They fucking better not fucking lose by more than fucking 7 or some serious fucking shit is going to be fucking fucked.

Whatever. Fucking Mike Florio fucking picked us to win the fucking Superbowl this year, fucktards.

Seachickens (-8) v. StL
I actually think the Rams might be decent this year. But Seachickens be way better. Unfortunately. I hate the Seachickens only marginally less than the Cowgirls. I'm sure they'll make the playoffs.

GB (-4.5) v. Chi
Green Bay is going to be pretty damn good this year. So long as Ryan Grant can remember how to not suck.

NE (-10.5) v. Buff
The total points in this game could be over 80. Tom Brady is going to have a very, very good year.

San Diego (-10) v. Oak
LDT is going to single-handedly propel his fantasy owners to a win this week. And how come nobody mentions that LDT had less than 300 carries last year? If the Rule of 370 is true (and I'm pretty sure it is), shouldn't the converse also be true? 12th straight win for the Chargers over the Raiders.

And there you have it. If you want to win big money, bet against every single one of my picks.

Season Total = -$50

Game One

2009-09-10T15:12:00.001-07:00

For reference, all lines will be taken as the average of all lines from USA Today's site. Lines will be used at the time I look at them.

PITT (-6.5) v. TEN

I watched the second half of the Superbowl yesterday. How quickly we forget how badly the Stillers dominated that game. If not for some luck and Larry Fitzgerald, that game wouldn't have been close. Plus, 97% of Stillers fans are complete douchebags. And douchebags always seem to have things work out for them.

*Note to Fitzgerald owners - Boldin is the better receiver. He put up better numbers during the regular season before he got hurt and he put up better numbers for most the Superbowl. It wasn't until he started getting doubled in the 4th (after he had 90-some yards to Fitz's 20-something) that Fitz put up numbers. Fitz owners = my bitches.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

2009-09-10T08:04:00.001-07:00

God knows we are.

The beginning of football season is a gift from the gods. No drama (yet), no disappointment (yet), no cruising to a 6-2 record only to get whored in the second half of the season by injuries and having Jim Zorn as your first year coach (not that I'm bitter), no recruiting former felons who electrocuted dogs (too soon?).

We're going to have a new program here at Nagasaki Handshake. Yours truly is going to make picks each week. Last year, I couldn't pick a winner to save my life. And if gambling was legal, it would have cost me a pretty penny. Fortunately, it's a whole new year. I plan on losing marginally less.

PS - I'm not a pussy, so I pick against the spread.

Obi Wing Kenobi

2009-01-31T10:01:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, I know the guy with the long hair in this video. Apparently this year he ate a whole pineapple to get into the competition, which I would say is an improvement over 5 hissing cockroaches. Anyway, Doug booted in the second round and was DQ'd. Whoopi would be so disappointed...

안녕하세요

2008-12-15T08:22:00.000-08:00

Let's all welcome my new favorite Korean (sorry b) ... Chan Ho Park!

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2008/12/136_36170.html

And one more thing...

2008-11-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

Or lack thereof...

Really?? You thought there was another OT? You make 21 million dollars and you don't know the fuckin rules? I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THERE WAS A TIE. And Hines Ward fuckin played in that game. And he doesn't remember it.

Goodbye Donovan. Don't puke on the rug on the way out

The Joys of Platinum...

2008-11-20T13:02:00.000-08:00

What up kids...since I am the only one who posts on here, you're gonna get a little bit of my thoughts as I kill some time in Logan International.

My Phillies won the world series. And I was there. Its still hard to imagine. See, these things don't happen to our teams. They get close, then let you down. Lindros and the Flyers storm through the playoffs, and get swept by the Red Wings. Joe. Carter. AI wins one game in the finals, then they get swept by Kobe and Shaq. Smarty Jones misses the Triple Crown by a length. McNabb pukes, we lose by 3 points. Pick a team, pick a season, and you were looking for a way to be disappointed. But not anymore. Things are different.

And here's the thing. I got tickets to the game. We somehow came up with tickets, I drove down, and got to go. And what happens...that gutless prick Bud Selig waits for the Rays to tie it up before suspending the game. And if things were following the usual Philly script, I would go to the last part of Game 5, the Phils would lose, and then lose the whole thing in TB. Or they would clinch down in that armpit of a state.

But it didn't happen.

The script changed.

We won.

WE WON

WE WON!!

Anything seems possible now. But I am so happy to have been able to be there and share in the joy that coarsed through the city (and the craziness).

Enough of that...where's Kevin Kolb?!

This is for PHILADELPHIA

2008-11-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

This is for Philadelphia from meech.one on Vimeo.

Charlie's speech says it all...it gives me the chills every time I see this.

This is some cool shit

2008-11-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

kinda like a Mets / Phils game, but tamer

World CHAMPS post once I stop shitting fire...damn 10 cent wings

Congratulations, Amigo

2008-10-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

Good work on not giving up and heading back to Beantown.

Respekt.

Uncle Cholly is looking ahead...

2008-10-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

We know who Charlie will be rooting for tonight...

“Tampa Bay’s young, it would be kinda good to play them, but to me — I always wanted to bring down The Nation.“

Oh, it would be so great to take down these douchebags ...

from MLB.com via the fightins'

The Pain Train is coming...

2008-10-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

woooo wooo wooo woooooo

this is a classic

Speaking of Insufferable Douchebags

2008-10-18T10:58:00.001-07:00

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Please, God. Prease. Loyar prease. Do not let the Sawx win tonight. Let Josh Beckett continue to shine his 16+ ERA light upon the Nation. Let Big Papi do your work here on Earf by keeping up his .105 BA. Show your mercy by letting Jacoby Ellsbury continue his 0-for performance.

Do it for this guy.

Amen.

Donovan'd

2008-10-15T21:14:00.001-07:00

1983. That was the last time any Philadelphia sports team won a championship. Proof that epic levels of fan douchebaggery will not be rewarded.

Question of the day - which Phillie is going to pull a McNabb? Shane "if you like It's Always Sunny, i'm definitely your favorite center fielder" Victorino? Ryan "If I'm not roiding, how come my dome is so freakishly large" Howard?

I'm betting J.Roll can keep up his 2-17 streak.

Shaun Alexander > Jimmy Rollins

YES!!!

2008-10-15T20:50:00.001-07:00

NOW ITS WORLD SERIES TIME!!!!!!!

For Sully

2008-10-15T09:40:00.000-07:00

Bwhahahahahahahahahahahaha..hahahahaha...haha! HA! Look for the return of the ole "run 2.5 yards and fall into the back of my lineman" play.

Oh, and GOOOOOO PHILS!

Really??

2008-10-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

Could the FOX broadcast team be on the Dodger's nuts a little more?? Tim McCarver is practically senile, and Joe Buck just delivers interesting little tidbits like "They sure know how to sing in LA"

Also from Buck:
"They sure know botox in LA"
"They sure know pizza in Chicago"
"I would love to lock Randy Moss up in a basement for a few years"

wait, what?

This is nonsense...

2008-10-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

As much as I can't handle the Red Sox (they are the Yankees of 96-98, transported to today), this is just retarded. You're hitting a big sleeping dog with a stick, Tampa. You gotta knock out a champ to be the champ.

In other news, GO PHILS!

To the fat piece of shit in seat 9E

2008-07-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

Die slow you fuck. There are only two seats in our row, and you have to lean into me? Seriously? THERE WAS NO ONE ON THE OTHER SIDE. Oh, you work out? Got broad shoulders, do you? I hope a dumbbell crushes your sternum you cumguzzler. Fuck you, you taint-licking scrotal skin tag. You could have leaned the opposite direction, but nooooo, you had to keep hitting me. And read your fucking loser book. The Speed of Trust ? Really? You need to read a book that tells you to "Keep Commitments" and "Listen First". Fuck you for paying someone to tell you the obvious , you anal rape rag. Go catch syphillis from a doorknob you douchebag. Apparently you didn't get to the chapter where they tell you not to fuckin lean all over the person in the seat next to you.

Oh, and well done Yanks. Good luck with that one.

Well, Hello There

2008-07-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

Now that we got that out of the way, time for proper introductions. We're a couple of slow-moving, dim-witted, pissed-off products of the suburbs who feel the internet hasn't quite filled its capacity for derivative bullshit opinions. Or in our case, FACTS. We've got some real problems with you people, so get out the Festivus pole, because we're gonna let the shit fly.

Clay Bennett = Lying Douchebag

2008-07-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

This post needs no explanation.